A HEARTBREAKING CHRISTMAS TALE OF STAGGERING GENIUS

We don't do a manger scene in our family. I am an Atheist (and, yes, I love Christmas but more on that at a later date). My teenage daughters are undecided. My stepson lives on his own and I don't really know what he believes. We used to have tons of decor before my ex-wife Alisa died, and we lost so much in the financial aftermath. But I am a dork and have some stuff )a LOT of stuff, but a bit of holiday stuff). Christmas themed Star Wars characters mingle with Gremlins, Peanuts and South Park, while Jack Skellington presides over all. A Christmas Story bobble heads class it up. A twinkly Christmas tree and a picture of me and my mom at my wedding. Then there is the Miami Dolphins Santa gifted me by my late father in law. He was a man I didn't appreciate enough while he was around. I was wrong. He gave us all so much antique holiday decor and it's almost all gone now. I've started getting the kids stuff they can take into future Christmases, when they have their own families and I am frolicking in Valhalla. 

This silly stuff makes me very sentimental, though. I miss people a lot. I miss Christmases in the past where we decorated with large crystal snowmen. The 1940's antiques light-up glass Santa Clauses and the beloved Christopher Radko ornament.

Alisa had a beloved, beautiful Marilyn Monroe ornament. She adored Marylin, and the ornament. We had bubble lights everywhere. There is still a surviving bubble light candelabra, which belongs to Mark. The lights don't work but I remember when they did. I loved them so much.

Alisa's father, Sam Smith, was an antiques collector. He particularly loved Christmas collectibles. His house and attic were filled with them. Every year he would gift his grandchildren with ornaments and decorations for them to carry through their lives.

Pop Pop Sam with Lily circa 2000

I liked these things and appreciated them, but I wasn't as enamored of them as he was. Plus, we didn't get a long too well. We were always friendly but I know I was not the type of man she wanted her daughter to marry. I did and said things, too, that caused friction. But always accepted him for who he was. We had some good times, and he was a talented carpenter and taught me a lot. We built decks and fences together, cutting each piece individually on his table saw. We planted trees in out backyards and the grew into Christmas trees for the family. The kids and I would cut one each year, and as Sam grew ill I cut his for him.

Christmas Eve at Sam's house was the event of the year. Beautiful decor, amazing food and even more amazing company. He eventually grew too ill to pull that off yet would still treat us to dinner out.

In 2006 Alisa, I and the kids moved from NY to Illinois. A year later, in Oct 2007, Sam died. That Christmas when the ornaments and candy didn't come it felt it. We all did.

Alisa's mother died a few years later in 2011.

Sam and Lily Share Some Christmas Dessert

In 2012 Alisa and I divorced. In 2013 she moved with the kids to a new home in town. In November of that year Alisa died suddenly, leaving her kids devastated and me a single dad, with a mental illness, on disability and no idea how to care for 3 grieving kids.

I moved in immediately to care for them. Unbeknownst to me Alisa was struggling badly with finances. I was paying child support but it wasn't a lot as I living on a pittance. I gave extra when I could. But the new home did not have storage for all the items she was saving from her late parents. So she had rented out a couple storage lockers to keep things in. Furniture, dishware, family pictures, some stuff of mine (an almost complete run of Fangoria magazines from the early 80's to the 2000's). She also stored the majority of the Christmas ornaments there.

Sadly, she was way behind on payments for these lockers. By the time I became aware of their existence they were being auctioned off. It was devastating, and it still hurts.Losing the pictures probably hurts worst. Alisa would scrapbook and there were so many pictures. On person returned a stack the kid's school pictures to us, but none of the random family pictures were returned. It puzzles me what kind of person would find such personal items, useless to them, and just discard them. As it stands we don't have a lot of pictures of Alisa nor her mom and dad. It sucks. It does make the ones we have more special, and preserve everything I've found.

Despite Alisa's death Christmas 2013 was coming. People were being jaw-droppingly charitable to us, with food and with financial contributions to a Go Fund Me campaign. That money helped get us out of the financial mess and keep a roof over her children's head.

But what to do about Christmas? We may have been grieving but agreed we wanted to celebrate. But it would be a new start and new traditions. I cobbled some money together and bought and artificial 4 foot tree. we bought some ornaments from Target and Wal Mart. My beloved friend Darren Schank sent us huge box full or ornaments that we used. 

We were hurt, grieving, crying. We still are. Life stopped for a while. But I look back now and I am amazed at how the kids strongly believed in continuing to live and celebrate the holidays. It is an absolute testament to their mother and the strength she instilled in them. Me, I wanted to hide. I was terrified of what I was about to embark on. hell, even my therapist told me I might not be capable of parenting and managing a household in my condition. 

Yet here we are 3 years later. We still have a home, the utilities are always on, there is always food. Their success inspired my own. It's the best thing I've ever done in my life and hope it redeems me from some years when I was a sick and terrible man. 

Our family continued to change. We lost both of our dogs that came with us from NY but we've been lucky to acquire two more that fill our hearts just as much.

Bailey & Alora (In Green)

Mark and his girlfriend blessed us with a grandchild in July 2015. A boy named Greyson. Their relationship ended, then things became more complicated. Greyson lives out of state with relatives. We haven't seen him since last Christmas and that hurts. He's always in our hearts.

Which brings me back round to where we are today, December 9. 2016. 3 years after Alisa's death we are preparing to celebrate another Christmas. I lost my mother this year in May so there is even more emotion involved. I think of everyone we've lost everyday, and sometimes it hits me so hard I cry. I think about the divorce and things that cost me my family and I hurt a little more than usual. I'm sure the kids have memories of their own they visit.

But we still have our 4 foot Christmas tree. We've added more ornaments and will be adding even more. We have our musical Peanuts ornament (which terrifies the dog LOL) and a bobbly Darth Vader holding a gift. We have food, home, and love. the kids are thriving. There will be gifts under the tree. Not a lot but enough.

2013 gave us a new form for the holidays. It's not quite the new normal but it's getting there.

"I wish you a hopeful Christmas

I wish you a brave New Year

All anguish pain and sadness

Leave your heart and let your road be clear"

Bill, 12/9/16