I saw the new Wolverine film, Logan, yesterday. It was the first film I'd gone out to see a movie since turning 46 on February 23rd. An unremarkable age, 46. I'm not writing this to try and convince you otherwise. Nor will I have any new or ground-breaking insights into growing old. All I can do is give you some thoughts from my personal point of view.
I'm getting ahead of myself. The movie was great. Go see it. It was a grounded, hard-R action-drama before being a super hero movie. It will help move the genre along and be viewed as a landmark blah blah blah. Stop. I'm not writing a hot take on the movie. Again, nothing really to say that already hasn't been said by 100,000 other geek bloggers. The movie did, however, get to me in a personal way when thinking about aging, and my other current experiences with growing older, and doing so a lot quicker and messier than I had planned.
Quick plot summary [NO REAL SPOILERS BUT I'M WARNING YOU ANYWAY]: Logan is aging, possibly dying. He doesn't heal as quickly as he used to and has a nasty cough. He drives a limo, and hides out south of the border with an even older and more broken down Professor Charles Xavier. Charles is prone to seizures which, paired with his powerful brain, causes damage to people and things around him. One of these seizures apparently killed a lot of X-Men, if not wiped out most of the mutants on Earth (it's never made 100% clear). Logan comes into contact with a woman asking his help. She wants him to take a young girl to a safe haven in South Dakota, because this little girl is a mutant.In fact, she may be Logan's clone. Thus ensues a road trip, where they are pursued by various bad guys, who for the purpose of this blog I will call Fuckers. Much blood is spilled, Adamentium claws are sunk into skulls and everyone lives happy ever after. Or not. You'll have to see to find out.
I forgot to tell you that Prof. X has to take medicine to control his seizures, and to ease the effects degeneritive brain disease. This was a detail I loved. I take a lot of medicine. Sometimes I forget to take it and my brain does things that cause problems. It's a Fucker.
But this isn't all about how my life relates to that movie. The movie is one of a confluence of things I've dealt with and noticed about myself lately. I am coming to terms with my aging, the ultimate Fucker. Mind you, 46 isn't ancient and I'm not on the precipice of death (that I know of). I'm not attempting to be overly dramatic. If it comes off that way forgive me. I just think I'm at a crossroads in my life and I'm aware of it. And I'm OK with it.
This post is already all over the map. My posts are usually messy but I think I'm at my best when messy.
I've been hit with some new health problems in the last 8 months. Sleep Apnea, a Fucker, was diagnosed in May and I've been on a C-Pap ever since. It's going well. I'm used to it and I sleep better. Just a few weeks ago, in early February, I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. BIG Fucker. This one shook me. I was warned 18 months ago that I needed to get my weight down and eat better. I did, in fits and starts, but it wasn't enough. Combine these things with the schizoaffective and bipolar disorder I've been struggling with for, honestly, about 30 years (that's counting the years I went undiagnosed with this colossal Fucker), and the asthma, and cholesterol...I think that's it.
So I was bummed and mad at myself. All of these Fuckers run in my family (the mental issues I'm just guessing at but I can provide details if ya wanna push me), but some of them are self-inflicted. The asthma came about after damage cause by 3 stints with severe pneumonia. I didn't cause that. But I essentially caused myself to eat poorly, not exercise, gain weight, get sleep apnea and now diabetes. I had a measure of control over those, of which I did not take advantage.
I felt badly for myself for about a day. This is notable. I have a history or wallowing in self-pity. I have a history of letting my life get out of control, becoming unhappy and letting people down. But I bounced back quickly this time and think it has to do with this being around my birthday.
I was already lamenting getting older. I was wrapped up in the daily troubles of this country, worried for my kids, angry all the time. It had been that way since November. You can guess why. Piling more onto my personal shit-show should have knocked me down. Turning 46 and being closer to 50 than to 40 was bothering me. I wasn't feeling well at all. I was fuckered out.
Until the diabetes. I don't know why. Saying it was a "wake-up call" is too easy. It was more that I handled it and took action. And in doing so I proved to myself again that I can deal with adversity. I've written about this before. It doesn't make me special. People everywhere overcome adversity every day, and in more dire circumstances. But until 3 1/2 years ago I doubted I could ever get through anything. Then I got into the greatest challenge of my life, becoming a single parent, and I've done OK so far.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR POINT, BILL?" you may be asking yourself. I'm asking it too. But it's my blog and I like to work it out as I go. I struggled for weeks coming up with something to write about until this kinda hit me. The weird combination of my birthday, getting a sickness and watching a movie with an aging super hero has helped me accept, well, aging. And I'm happier than I've been in a long time. Knowing my life is half over if I'm lucky (to paraphrase AC Newman) has caused me to start appreciating things more. And not just the important things like my kids and pets and smelling flowers and masturbating (JOKE! or is it?). I appreciate my books, comics, movies and other things like that more. I appreciate my TV shows. I appreciated the Oscars and the Super Bowl and all that stupid stuff that doesn't seem important but it is.
Look, I spent 3 months being pissed off that our president is a lying, bigoted, mentally-ill sex-offender. I mean REALLY angry. I couldn't enjoy anything. Everything was bogged down. Yet recently I realized that even now, with all the stuff happening around me, in and out of my control, that I have a right to be happy. I can be happy with diabetes. I can be happy with asthma. I can enjoy a movie or awards show even if cranky fuckers piss on them all the time. I used to BE that cranky fucker, posting on message boards and being a miserable prick. Honestly,...it was fun. I have to admit that. But I look back now and realize I was kind of a dick, and I look around and I see that too many people are still or becoming dicks. I don't want to be that anymore. I will always have a mean streak and dark side but I want to be nicer. I want to be less cranky as I grow older, not the other way around.
[NOTE: Being an aging internet fanboy is also a part of this. Internet fanboys are real Fuckers. But I don't want to obsess on whether or not they got Batman exactly right in this movie or if that sequel/remake was necessary any more. Why should I feel guilty because I like, to one degree or another, all the X-MEN movies? Why make yourself mad over something you love? How many more Batman movies do I have before I die? I don't know. I still love my pop culture, media, my figures collection. LOVE it. I will indulge. I will discuss and engage but I just can't get mad about lady Ghostbusters and I'm also not indifferent to it either, and I'm glad because I fucking liked it, OK? It's OK to like it. Finding a balance as an aging fanboy is an ongoing struggle. I think it's OK to still geek-out over the new ALIEN trailer, and I feel sad for people who seem to have aged-out of that kind of innocence. Especially people my age. At the same time I'm not going to be gutted if the movie sucks. Because, ya know, life. The struggles of an aging internet fanboy is a blog post in itself. It's really a new phenomena.Take note, Bill.]
So yes, I can be happy with my aging and my illnesses. They are FUCKERS, but I can live with them. And, shockingly, I can be happy with a fucker in the White House. It doesn't have to dominate every minute of my life. My time online doesn't have to be ruined by constant articles and Tweets about him and what he's said or done. I can take responsibility and not regurgitate every article I see or respond to every taunt and talking point. It was killing me. So I slowed down. I'm still informed, engaged and resisting. But I have a right to be happy despite what's happened to me, and us. I've seen a lot of people come to that realization, I think. I am optimistic that we can still win the day but we all don't have to be so sick to our stomachs all the time. I have a right to be happy. So do you.
The happiness isn't constant. It comes and goes. I'm struggling with my appetite. It's a fucker. I want to eat more than I should. I struggle to stay off Twitter, which is the main fuel of Trump rage. Twitter is a fucker. I struggle to remember my pills. But I keep going. That used to be my mantra after the divorce. KEEP GOING. Whether that means taking a walk with my dog, reading past my bedtime or binge watching Family Guy episodes I've seen 100 times.
Enjoy the stupid shit you enjoy.
Don't let the fuckers win.
I forgot to tell you that Prof. X has to take medicine to control his seizures, and to ease the effects degeneritive brain disease. This was a detail I loved. I take a lot of medicine. Sometimes I forget to take it and my brain does things that cause problems. It's a Fucker.
But this isn't all about how my life relates to that movie. The movie is one of a confluence of things I've dealt with and noticed about myself lately. I am coming to terms with my aging, the ultimate Fucker. Mind you, 46 isn't ancient and I'm not on the precipice of death (that I know of). I'm not attempting to be overly dramatic. If it comes off that way forgive me. I just think I'm at a crossroads in my life and I'm aware of it. And I'm OK with it.
This post is already all over the map. My posts are usually messy but I think I'm at my best when messy.
I've been hit with some new health problems in the last 8 months. Sleep Apnea, a Fucker, was diagnosed in May and I've been on a C-Pap ever since. It's going well. I'm used to it and I sleep better. Just a few weeks ago, in early February, I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. BIG Fucker. This one shook me. I was warned 18 months ago that I needed to get my weight down and eat better. I did, in fits and starts, but it wasn't enough. Combine these things with the schizoaffective and bipolar disorder I've been struggling with for, honestly, about 30 years (that's counting the years I went undiagnosed with this colossal Fucker), and the asthma, and cholesterol...I think that's it.
So I was bummed and mad at myself. All of these Fuckers run in my family (the mental issues I'm just guessing at but I can provide details if ya wanna push me), but some of them are self-inflicted. The asthma came about after damage cause by 3 stints with severe pneumonia. I didn't cause that. But I essentially caused myself to eat poorly, not exercise, gain weight, get sleep apnea and now diabetes. I had a measure of control over those, of which I did not take advantage.
I felt badly for myself for about a day. This is notable. I have a history or wallowing in self-pity. I have a history of letting my life get out of control, becoming unhappy and letting people down. But I bounced back quickly this time and think it has to do with this being around my birthday.
I was already lamenting getting older. I was wrapped up in the daily troubles of this country, worried for my kids, angry all the time. It had been that way since November. You can guess why. Piling more onto my personal shit-show should have knocked me down. Turning 46 and being closer to 50 than to 40 was bothering me. I wasn't feeling well at all. I was fuckered out.
Until the diabetes. I don't know why. Saying it was a "wake-up call" is too easy. It was more that I handled it and took action. And in doing so I proved to myself again that I can deal with adversity. I've written about this before. It doesn't make me special. People everywhere overcome adversity every day, and in more dire circumstances. But until 3 1/2 years ago I doubted I could ever get through anything. Then I got into the greatest challenge of my life, becoming a single parent, and I've done OK so far.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR POINT, BILL?" you may be asking yourself. I'm asking it too. But it's my blog and I like to work it out as I go. I struggled for weeks coming up with something to write about until this kinda hit me. The weird combination of my birthday, getting a sickness and watching a movie with an aging super hero has helped me accept, well, aging. And I'm happier than I've been in a long time. Knowing my life is half over if I'm lucky (to paraphrase AC Newman) has caused me to start appreciating things more. And not just the important things like my kids and pets and smelling flowers and masturbating (JOKE! or is it?). I appreciate my books, comics, movies and other things like that more. I appreciate my TV shows. I appreciated the Oscars and the Super Bowl and all that stupid stuff that doesn't seem important but it is.
Look, I spent 3 months being pissed off that our president is a lying, bigoted, mentally-ill sex-offender. I mean REALLY angry. I couldn't enjoy anything. Everything was bogged down. Yet recently I realized that even now, with all the stuff happening around me, in and out of my control, that I have a right to be happy. I can be happy with diabetes. I can be happy with asthma. I can enjoy a movie or awards show even if cranky fuckers piss on them all the time. I used to BE that cranky fucker, posting on message boards and being a miserable prick. Honestly,...it was fun. I have to admit that. But I look back now and realize I was kind of a dick, and I look around and I see that too many people are still or becoming dicks. I don't want to be that anymore. I will always have a mean streak and dark side but I want to be nicer. I want to be less cranky as I grow older, not the other way around.
[NOTE: Being an aging internet fanboy is also a part of this. Internet fanboys are real Fuckers. But I don't want to obsess on whether or not they got Batman exactly right in this movie or if that sequel/remake was necessary any more. Why should I feel guilty because I like, to one degree or another, all the X-MEN movies? Why make yourself mad over something you love? How many more Batman movies do I have before I die? I don't know. I still love my pop culture, media, my figures collection. LOVE it. I will indulge. I will discuss and engage but I just can't get mad about lady Ghostbusters and I'm also not indifferent to it either, and I'm glad because I fucking liked it, OK? It's OK to like it. Finding a balance as an aging fanboy is an ongoing struggle. I think it's OK to still geek-out over the new ALIEN trailer, and I feel sad for people who seem to have aged-out of that kind of innocence. Especially people my age. At the same time I'm not going to be gutted if the movie sucks. Because, ya know, life. The struggles of an aging internet fanboy is a blog post in itself. It's really a new phenomena.Take note, Bill.]
So yes, I can be happy with my aging and my illnesses. They are FUCKERS, but I can live with them. And, shockingly, I can be happy with a fucker in the White House. It doesn't have to dominate every minute of my life. My time online doesn't have to be ruined by constant articles and Tweets about him and what he's said or done. I can take responsibility and not regurgitate every article I see or respond to every taunt and talking point. It was killing me. So I slowed down. I'm still informed, engaged and resisting. But I have a right to be happy despite what's happened to me, and us. I've seen a lot of people come to that realization, I think. I am optimistic that we can still win the day but we all don't have to be so sick to our stomachs all the time. I have a right to be happy. So do you.
The happiness isn't constant. It comes and goes. I'm struggling with my appetite. It's a fucker. I want to eat more than I should. I struggle to stay off Twitter, which is the main fuel of Trump rage. Twitter is a fucker. I struggle to remember my pills. But I keep going. That used to be my mantra after the divorce. KEEP GOING. Whether that means taking a walk with my dog, reading past my bedtime or binge watching Family Guy episodes I've seen 100 times.
Enjoy the stupid shit you enjoy.
Don't let the fuckers win.
Bill, 03/6/17
This is the worst piece of shit I've ever written. Ugh. I hate it.
ReplyDeleteActually, Bill^^ this is pretty good. It's one of your better posts. You should write more.
ReplyDeletethanks, Bill. I will try too.
ReplyDelete