I REALLY LIKE ME!!!!

PAM: NOW I FEEL LIKE AN ASSHOLE.

MALORY: WHEN DO YOU NOT?

PAM: ALMOST ALWAYS. I REALLY LIKE ME!

Quite a bit has happened in the two weeks since I last blogged. Prince died. That was sad. Never a big fan, but I knew his songs and stature. He is part of the soundtrack to my life. I felt like someone I had went to high school with had died. 

Another thing that happened was my girlfriend broke up with me. It's still kind of a mystery but I think it's mostly that she just wasn't feeling it. And that's cool. I understand. I've been on that side of relationships, and I didn't always have the courage she did to end it. I was sad. I spent one day in bed, kinda. The next day I was up and about. The day after I was pretty much fine. I've been through worse. I've been through a divorce. I could handle the break-up of a 4 month relationship. I wish her well and there ya go.

But even while I felt good, in the back of mind I couldn't figure it out. I mean, I understood why she did it. She explained herself enough, and she owed me no more than that. But getting dumped has an insidious way of making you hate yourself, doubt yourself and wonder what is wrong with you. This is not about her. She didn't make me feel those things. I DID. Why?

I began taking personal inventory of sorts. Or more accurately I was trying to figure why somebody would not like me. I'm fucking awesome! I'm smart, funny, I like cool stuff. I have flaws but everyone does. I used to focus on my flaws. I used to hate myself. I had horrible self-esteem for many years. However, I eventually grew comfortable in my own skin. It all went down hill after the divorce and it's taken me time to rebuild but I'm back in a good place with myself. I know who I am and like Pam Poovey I really like me. I think I'd make a cool boyfriend.

There are issues. The mental illness factor. That can't be attractive. I have no filter. I say and post mostly what comes to mind and I have fun doing it. I have a sense of humor about myself and my problems. and some people don't seem to get that. To them it's over-sharing. To me it's exorcism.

I'm not terribly handsome. I'm not ugly, I don't think, but I'm not Burt Lancaster (who is?). I'm overweight. More accurately, I'm lumpy. I have some health problems. I've been balding since my second trimester. I don't shave everyday. My car is old and unsexy.

None of that matters. Getting dumped also gives the dumpee unwarranted license to over-analyze and assume. Me assuming that reasons A and C are why I was dumped is both unreasonable and unfair. Unfair to her and unfair to me. 

I DO have a point here. I'm struggling to get to it but I will. Before I dated this person I went 2 years without dating. And I grew to like that life just fine. I missed certain things, and would have my lonely days. I would think about getting back out there. But I also loved being alone. I LOVED it. I felt as if maybe the romantic part of my life was concluded. I was OK with that. I like going to bed alone at night and reading peacefully. I ADORE it. I like doing what I want when I want. I like having more attention to give to my daughters and to my obsessions.

I love being a geek. I'm 45 and I love horror movies, indie music, the Ramones, ARCHER, Batman, and HP Lovecraft. I love them MORE than I should. I like video games and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I obsess over the guitar playing on Screaming Females records. I love Marvel Movies and worship The Witch. I watch Jaws whenever it's on. I still buy physical DVDs/Blu Rays. I have a collection of bobbleheads and figures I display joyfully. I could go on but hopefully you get the idea: I'm probably a child.

But I don't care, and it's these things that bring me joy and it is these things (as well as my daughters and son, of course) that will bring me continued joy while I wait for the next relationship. If one comes. Because I don't know if I want one. I had girlfriends. I've been in a mostly successful marriage. I've had sex. I hope to again but one doesn't need a girlfriend to find that, let's be honest here folks. Maybe this makes me immature in some eyes. If so, I don't care.

My message and point here is very jumbled. I'm not being clear. I'm NOT clear. I just know how I feel in my gut. I've been through it all. A relationship to me at this point in my life is a luxury, not a necessity. I enjoyed my previous relationship a lot and I learned from it. I learned I could live without it, too. Maybe there's a twisted sickness to it that I need to work out in therapy but going to bed with Netflix at night can be just as satisfying to me as going to bed with someone in my arms. I don't think it's sick. I don't think it's immature. In fact I think it's very MATURE. I am happy with myself, my life and comfortable with who I am. THAT is the most important lesson I learned from this relationship and break-up. I didn't betray myself while in the relationship and I'm not betraying myself now that it's over. I have made progress as a human being. I love that. And if I continue to love myself more opportunities may come if I want them. 

IF I want them. I may rather watch Archer reruns on Netflix. Pam going batshit for cocaine. What's better than that? Maybe sex. And love. Maybe I'm exhibiting an addiction to media over human contact. It's fair to address that. But I don't think so because I went into the relationship and gave it my all. And I know I could do it again. But for now I'm happy doing what I do and grateful for the last four months.

When I add it all up i feel like I have more options now than I did 4 months ago. I CAN be a boyfriend again. Or I don't have to be anyone's boyfriend. I can be happy either way.

Does any of this make sense?