Don't Worry 'Bout Us: Me & Joey Ramone

This Friday, April 15th, 2016 is the 15th anniversary of the death of Joey Ramone.  I was driving into work the morning of the April 16th, 2001. I hadn't heard the day before. It might have been Easter, if I remember right, and I had young kids and family commitments at the time. Regardless, the two DJs on the radio show I was listening to were talking about his death, almost glibly. The tears immediately began to drip from my eyes. I pulled into work and went directly to the bathroom for a cry. I was overwhelmed. After getting together I called my wife because it was her birthday. She asked me what was wrong and remember saying "Joey died." She knew who I meant. Joey Ramone was my hero.

I discovered the Ramones in high school. I don't remember when exactly, 1987, maybe. I had found a cheap cassette version of Rocket To Russia and picked it up just for a laugh. And it provided laughs. At the time I was knee-deep in The Smiths, The Cure, Depeche Mode, REM and their ilk. I still love and respect those bands, especially REM and The Smiths. Some bands survive ebbs and flows of your music development, some don't fare so well. REM and The Smiths persevered. So did, somehow, the Ramones. I would listen to Rocket as a change of pace, when I wanted something loud and raucous and silly. But I didn't take them very seriously. Still, I listened. I added the debut album soon after. And I became very interested in the tall odd duck with the powerful voice at the center. I snapped up any magazine articles I could find, and there weren't many, but I learned the basics. They were a secret for me, like a private joke. I hid my interest and maintained the dignified front of Morrissey and Robert Smith.

1988 saw the release of the Ramones greatest hits album, Mania. It's a strange bird, totally eschewing chronology to scatter 30 Ramones "hits" haphazardly across 77 minutes. It was a game-changer before me. It was here I discovered I Wanna Be Sedated, The KKK Took My Baby Away and other gems. I listened to it constantly. Eventually the sequencing began to make some sort of sense, or at least began to not matter. I quickly acquired as much of their other material as monetarily possible. I became a superfan. I no longer hid my love of this so-called "joke band." It was around this time Spin magazine, a force back then, named them one of the 7 greatest bands of all time. I pinpoint that as the beginning of a mini renaissance. They released the theme song to the Stephen King movie Pet Semetary (and it's a great song), went on to release 4 more underrated records then broke up uncerimoniously in 1996.

My focus remained on Joey. I began to read as much as I could find about him. Early internet access helped. As my research continued for many years before and after his death I found may parallels to my own life.

I basically floated through high school as an un-diagnosed schizophrenic and manic-depressive. I always knew there was something wrong with me, but most teenagers feel that way about themselves. It was stronger with me, and would cover up my struggles with attempts to fit in that were so badly botched that I fit in nowhere. In 1989 I tried to kill myself, on my 18th birthday, and was admitted to a mental hospital for depression. I spent 3 weeks there. I was taking pills-- any I could find-- and I was cutting myself. My parents were at a loss. They are not highly educated folks and really didn't know how to handle what was going on. I went into therapy sessions and talked about my youth, about things that happened and events that took place, things I can't write about at this time. But these things damaged me.

Joey Ramone was born with disadvantages right out of the gate. He had a tumor on his spine that was removed but effected him his whole life. He was gangly, shy, bullied and hurt by an abusive father. Joey was not a good student and was often in trouble. He spent a lot of time in the principal's office "eating popsicles," as his brother Mickey Leigh would recount in his biography of Joey, I Slept With Joey Ramone. Joey's problems increased as he grew older. He began hearing voices and exhibiting anxiety and OCD, even once pulling a knife on his own mother. He spent time in a mental facility in the early seventies, and was given a dour diagnosis. According to a recent Rolling Stone cover story doctors claimed Joey's future was that of a "vegetable."

They were wrong, He found himself, especially with the help of rock and roll. He joined the Ramones and turned his wonky looks and unorthodox singing voice into a singular image. I won't recount the history and turmoil of the Ramones, but I will point out that Joey persevered with the band for over 20 years. Frequently at odds with unofficial band leader and all-around bastard Johnny, Joey dealt with the theft of the love of his life (by Johnny), and Johnny barely tolerated Joey's frequent illnesses and OCD tendancies, such as retracing stairs several times before getting into the travel van and on to the next gig. He suffered but he kept going, ultimately playing 2,280 concerts and recording 14 albums (not including his solo album, released after his death).

Joey took ill in 1995 with lymphoma, a fact he mostly kept from his bandmates. He died in his hospital bed while listening to a U2 song he liked, "In A Little While." I saw U2 in Buffalo, NY a month and a half after Joey died and they dedicated the song to him.

I graduated high school in 1989 and moved out on my own a year later. I kept up with therapy and medicine for a while. I started college in 1990, but was aimless. I lived on my own and liked it for the most part. Aside from a few friends I was mostly alone. The anxiety, the depression and the voices made it hard for me to socialize. I had a few "flings" but nothing lasted. I didn't know HOW to make anything last.

I eventually met somebody in 1994, got married in 1998, and set upon raising a family. All of this while being unmedicated and without doctor care. Somehow I got by, although I dropped out of university about halfway through. I couldn't concentrate on the work or the future. I was all impulses and actions. I worked steadily, supporting my family, but I also lost jobs due to my illness (and many bad decisions). I always found another, though.

After a particularly bad job loss in 2002 I had a full breakdown. I lost myself. Hid in a car because I was afraid my father-in-law was going to kill me. I went under a doctors care and was put on a full regimen of meds. I functioned but I didn't work much.

In 2006 we transplanted from NY to IL for my wife's college career. I fell off my meds due to our loss of insurance. Yet I found a very good job and made it work for 2 1/2 years until, once again, my psychological troubles failed me. It was during this time, however, that I was finally properly diagnosed as bipolar and schizophrenic, with anxiety. I saw a great doctor who put me on meds that eventually allowed me to be stable for a long time.

Why did I got through all that? Because during this time the influence of Joey Ramone was growing on me. I was learning about what he persevered through and I used it and his music to help me persevere. There are good reasons a lot of Ramones songs are about mental health and illness. Many of them were experienced with it. Joey was especially.

My marriage eventually dissolved and I found myself alone.

Somehow, I survived my own-rock bottom. I reconciled with my wife but it was short lived. My decision making and appetites sealed our fate. After we separated I did 3 different stints in mental hospitals, all while staying with someone who's kindness and tolerance I can't over state. I was approved for disability, pulled my shit together and lived on my own. Again, I persevered and did something with what little I had. Like Joey.

In 2013 my ex-wife died, thrusting me into the role of single parent for 2 young daughters and an adult stepson. It was and is the greatest challenge of my life. I was terrified and didn't know how I was going to pull this off. 2 1/2 years later my stepson is out on his own, my daughters are both teenagers and we are OK. Yes, we have frequent car problems and not a ton of money but the utilities are always paid and there is always food on the table. These are things I had to learn how to do. The girls excel in school and my oldest daughter is graduating early. I --WE-- persevered. Like Joey Ramone.

Me, I still struggle with my ailments but I am under regular doctors care. I am on good medication. I have knowledge and am making progress towards going back to work. I have a wonderful girlfriend who has a wonderful family. Things are looking up for us.

It may sound silly but I'm not sure I could have pulled through without being inspired by Joey Ramone and his life. He went from a sickly "vegetable" to an icon. He fought his demons through every day of his 49 year life. He created wonderful music I continue to enjoy and find inspiration in. He had everything against him yet he persevered. There are days when I still want to pour a bottle of sleeping pills down my throat. But I don't because of my children. They are my heroes. I also don't because Joey Ramone didn't. He's also my hero.

In 2002 the solo album Joey was working on at the time of his death was released. In reality it's probably pretty average. But I played it loud and proud, absorbed every track and lyric. It was a howl from the grave. A howl of JOY. Even in death Joey Ramone would not be defeated. The title of the album is Don't Worry About Me. I don't worry about Joey. He's at peace. He gave more than anyone ever thought he would. I worry about bills, the election, my kids. But not about Joey. I just love him.