...and I haven't written in a few days because I didn't feel like it. I feel like I've backslid some during the second half of the week. I can't put my finger on why. I had some trouble the last few days hearing voices. I was very paranoid last night. Scatterbrained. And there are some physical things going on that are worrying me.
I don't want to go to bed at night. Laying down and trying to sleep just brings the rush memories and feelings that bring me down. I think about jobs and court and relationships and it drives me crazy. I hear things in my room or in the apartment. Or think I hear things. And I get scared.
So I stay up late distracting myself with TV, books, the internet, Facebook...anything to avoid sleep. I shake almost constantly. They say it's a side effect of my meds but it sucks to pick up a mug of coffee and watch my hand tremble.
I'm going to the doctor's tomorrow to have some things checked out. I'm nervous. It may turn out to be nothing but I am not an optimist. I assume the worst. I suspect I will have difficulty sleeping even moreso tonight.
Some good news. My (ex)wife is giving me a car. I just need to raise funds to have the alternator replaced, and get it registered and insured. I don't know how I'm going to that. It seemed like an easy thing at the time she told me because it made me happy. But the more I think about it the less faith I have that I can scrape the money up to get it on the road, much less put gas in it. But if I can it's a game-changer for my job hunt. I have to get it on the road somehow.
I'm feeling flat. Trapped in a mental stasis by the circumstances surrounding me. I have to watch carefully to make sure I don't slip further backwards into the place I was a month ago. Thinking patterns have to change. Sometimes they really don't want to.
I don't want to go to bed at night. Laying down and trying to sleep just brings the rush memories and feelings that bring me down. I think about jobs and court and relationships and it drives me crazy. I hear things in my room or in the apartment. Or think I hear things. And I get scared.
So I stay up late distracting myself with TV, books, the internet, Facebook...anything to avoid sleep. I shake almost constantly. They say it's a side effect of my meds but it sucks to pick up a mug of coffee and watch my hand tremble.
I'm going to the doctor's tomorrow to have some things checked out. I'm nervous. It may turn out to be nothing but I am not an optimist. I assume the worst. I suspect I will have difficulty sleeping even moreso tonight.
Some good news. My (ex)wife is giving me a car. I just need to raise funds to have the alternator replaced, and get it registered and insured. I don't know how I'm going to that. It seemed like an easy thing at the time she told me because it made me happy. But the more I think about it the less faith I have that I can scrape the money up to get it on the road, much less put gas in it. But if I can it's a game-changer for my job hunt. I have to get it on the road somehow.
I'm feeling flat. Trapped in a mental stasis by the circumstances surrounding me. I have to watch carefully to make sure I don't slip further backwards into the place I was a month ago. Thinking patterns have to change. Sometimes they really don't want to.
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