The last three days I have been remarkably stable. I was even able to out with old friends to celebrate a dissertation defense by one of them, and I did it without making a scene. I was nervous. For a while during the day I wasn't going to go. But it was fine and I was happy. I see that as a step forward.
Earlier yesterday I had my emotional regulation group at the Ben Gordon clinic. I've come to enjoy this despite initial doubts. Yesterday we were discussing divorce, and how it is like mourning a death in the family. That's accurate I think. It's the worst thing I have ever gone through in my life.
But I have been dealing with some angst (when am I not?) that I haven't been able to put my finger on. Grieving over the loss of my family has been the focal point. Grieving over the past has been my specialty. It's kept me from living in the present most days. Out therapist said something yesterday that hit me in the gut. People going through divorce are also grieving expectations.
We expect to be with our family for holidays, birthdays, trips, dinners out. We expect to be there parenting our children 24/7. We expect to be there to carry on traditions.
With my family broken apart I will not celebrate Christmas in the same way ever again. I will not celebrate birthdays in the same way. There will be not spontaneous dinners, movies or shopping trips. There will be no traveling together. All these things and more are expectations in a family setting and they die when the marriage does.
That's where my gut is right now. The upcoming summer will not be the same when I can't spend every minute with my kids. Halloween will not include us decorating the house together. We simply won't be together in the same way ever again. One day a new man may enter their lives as a step-parent, and that sickens me. But it is the ultimate example of things not being the same. The expectation that I am my wife's husband is gone.
The flip side, the therapist reminded us, is that we now have the opportunity to reinvent how we have these experiences. Although things won't be the same we can adapt and start new traditions. I'm the ultimate creature of habit. I hate change and I don't adjust to sudden change well (obviously if you've been around me since November). However, this gave me some hope. I am still seriously grieving the loss of future joys but I need to work towards another kind of joy. They joy of reinvention. And while things will never be the same again, they will not cease to be.
Or something.
Earlier yesterday I had my emotional regulation group at the Ben Gordon clinic. I've come to enjoy this despite initial doubts. Yesterday we were discussing divorce, and how it is like mourning a death in the family. That's accurate I think. It's the worst thing I have ever gone through in my life.
But I have been dealing with some angst (when am I not?) that I haven't been able to put my finger on. Grieving over the loss of my family has been the focal point. Grieving over the past has been my specialty. It's kept me from living in the present most days. Out therapist said something yesterday that hit me in the gut. People going through divorce are also grieving expectations.
We expect to be with our family for holidays, birthdays, trips, dinners out. We expect to be there parenting our children 24/7. We expect to be there to carry on traditions.
With my family broken apart I will not celebrate Christmas in the same way ever again. I will not celebrate birthdays in the same way. There will be not spontaneous dinners, movies or shopping trips. There will be no traveling together. All these things and more are expectations in a family setting and they die when the marriage does.
That's where my gut is right now. The upcoming summer will not be the same when I can't spend every minute with my kids. Halloween will not include us decorating the house together. We simply won't be together in the same way ever again. One day a new man may enter their lives as a step-parent, and that sickens me. But it is the ultimate example of things not being the same. The expectation that I am my wife's husband is gone.
The flip side, the therapist reminded us, is that we now have the opportunity to reinvent how we have these experiences. Although things won't be the same we can adapt and start new traditions. I'm the ultimate creature of habit. I hate change and I don't adjust to sudden change well (obviously if you've been around me since November). However, this gave me some hope. I am still seriously grieving the loss of future joys but I need to work towards another kind of joy. They joy of reinvention. And while things will never be the same again, they will not cease to be.
Or something.
Bravo! Change can really be horrible at first, but there really are new possibilities. You can't see until you open those doors.
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