Just Sad...ya know?

I did not intend yesterday to make myself out to be the victim. I am, however, ONE victim in a very very bad situation. Every divorce has victims and it's not always clear who they are. I am not saying a man who beats his wife and divorces her is possibly a victim. I am saying that in divorces such as mine it is fair to say I am also a victim. Not of my wife. Not of a person or specific act. But a victim of the failure of my marriage.

I had a large hand in destroying the marriage. Does it mean I was the only one to make mistakes? No. Does it mean I have to shoulder all the blame and be the villain? No. Fact is I beat myself up day in day out over what I did. I have been beating myself up since I was a child. It played out in my marriage and caused problems. And I continue to do it.

So far I'm very unfocused. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. Maybe it's that regardless of what I've done I have a right to be sad. I have a right to be angry at the situation and, sometimes, at people. I have a right to mourn the death of my family. I have a right not sit back and be the villain, solely responsible. I sometimes carry that right out in unique and inappropriate ways but my coping skills are rudimentary at best. Doesn't mean I'm not entitled to express my feelings, my point of view and my opinions.


I've expressed several times this week, in therapy, to friends, to people today that at the root of my problems right now is that I'm just simply sad. I'm fucking sad. Sometimes it's nothing more complicated than being sad, and having a right to feel that. Letting it fester and morph into depression, anger, sleeplessness, hallucinations...that's not healthy. But why can't I just be allowed to be sad.

I moved some stuff out of the house today. It mad me sad. I fucking cried. Does that mean I'm playing the victim? No. And I refuse to believe that.

I will be moving more stuff next week and I expect it to be difficult. I expect to shed tears. Not as a victim. But as a father and husband who failed his family and contributed greatly to the breaking of our home.

My fish tank is here at Kat's apartment, and it's a piece of my life I enjoy having around. I am sad the kids don't get to see the fish everyday but they have lovable dogs and cats to play with. I have my fish. And Kat's fish now, too.

We have a few things planned this weekend. Grocery shopping. Going to a movie. This will help keep me busy. But I will still be sad, and I refuse to let that go. I am not ready. I have a long way to go.