I'm honestly not sure I'm going to make it through this stretch of my life. It's that devastating, and new crops of despair have a way of showing off everyday. It's excessive because I already beat myself up enough.
I realized today the worst pain is coming from watching my family move on without me. Move on happily. They are carrying out their daily duties as usual. The kids go to school. The (ex) wife goes to work. They go to dinner, They go to movies. They shop and buy things. Although they are grieving the loss of a mother and grandmother they soldier on. I am jealous of the resources they have. It's a bad thing to be jealous but when you have no job, no job prospects, no income and are living off a friend's amazing kindness and humanity...feelings like jealousy creep in.
It hurts to be left out, left behind. I fear how I'm going to handle it if they move away. Dekalb is my home. I love it here and I plan to spend my life here (alone or coupled). If she moves away and I can't see my children regularly it will wreck me.
Processing all of this through a haze of depression, mood swings, hallucinations, voices and exhaustion has been the most difficult thing I've ever embarked on. Depression is the root cause of why I am where I am. I want to use it as a crutch, and in some respects I am right to blame my illness. But if I completely blame my illness then I leave the door open for further life problems. And there cannot be anymore of this magnitude.
I am not a bad person. I did many good things in my marriage and my relationship with my in-laws. It was not a total disconnect. I understand it's hard to see past an act that was so brainless, heartless and idiotic. But seeing around it and acknowledging the good is possible. It must be a very difficult thing however.
I've been intentionally vague. I'm going through a divorce. We are close to lawyering up (how a no income leech like me will get a lawyer remains to be seen). Expect more rambling blog posts like this as I continue to deal with new and more awful consequences as they arrive.
I realized today the worst pain is coming from watching my family move on without me. Move on happily. They are carrying out their daily duties as usual. The kids go to school. The (ex) wife goes to work. They go to dinner, They go to movies. They shop and buy things. Although they are grieving the loss of a mother and grandmother they soldier on. I am jealous of the resources they have. It's a bad thing to be jealous but when you have no job, no job prospects, no income and are living off a friend's amazing kindness and humanity...feelings like jealousy creep in.
It hurts to be left out, left behind. I fear how I'm going to handle it if they move away. Dekalb is my home. I love it here and I plan to spend my life here (alone or coupled). If she moves away and I can't see my children regularly it will wreck me.
Processing all of this through a haze of depression, mood swings, hallucinations, voices and exhaustion has been the most difficult thing I've ever embarked on. Depression is the root cause of why I am where I am. I want to use it as a crutch, and in some respects I am right to blame my illness. But if I completely blame my illness then I leave the door open for further life problems. And there cannot be anymore of this magnitude.
I am not a bad person. I did many good things in my marriage and my relationship with my in-laws. It was not a total disconnect. I understand it's hard to see past an act that was so brainless, heartless and idiotic. But seeing around it and acknowledging the good is possible. It must be a very difficult thing however.
I've been intentionally vague. I'm going through a divorce. We are close to lawyering up (how a no income leech like me will get a lawyer remains to be seen). Expect more rambling blog posts like this as I continue to deal with new and more awful consequences as they arrive.
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