The Band Aid Won't Come Off

Today was a less than productive day. I tried to sell plasma for some money but I can't right now. I'm bipolar so my doctor has to sign off on it. So that's $20 I hoped to have in my pocket sitting out there.

Irritations from yesterday remained today. I tried to work them out. I tried to keep busy so I didn't get into what was eating away at me. But it didn't work. I ended up sitting down and poking at old wounds with my (ex) wife. I had a point to make. I feel it's a valid point. She does not and got very upset with me. Apparently she is over me.

For me, the band aid isn't coming off so easily. I got over her once and will do it again. In fact, I have. I can live without her. But I still feel like I can't live without FAMILY. THE FAMILY. The family we raised. As I said yesterday they all seem to be moving on. They are financially comfortable, which I am glad for. I want my kids to be financially secure. I however am not. And that is one obstacle to getting the band aid off. To feel self-sufficient and making money. My (ex) wife has given me some money here and there. She has not denied me whenever I have asked.

I miss making macaroni and cheese for my kids. I miss them coming home from school. I miss them fighting with each other. I miss all of us snuggled in the living room doing our individual thing. That, certainly, was part of the problem. Too much sitting alone and not enough time sitting together. As I think about it now I realize what an easy thing it would have been to do. The perspective I'm viewing it from makes keeping a family together so simple. Love each other. Be true to each other. Do things together. Why were those things so hard for me when married, but seem so easy and obvious now?


But as I try to ease the band aid off and realize I will never have a family again,  That is accurate. I will continue to hope, and the band aid will continue to linger.