FIRST QUARTER REPORT: BILL'S 2010 SO FAR...

I realized today that we are 1/4 through 2010. It's been so much fucking fun that I just sort of lost track.

As is my way, I instantly began reflecting on where things stand in my life. We --myself and my wife-- looked to 2010 as a chance to get our shit together. As an opportunity to conjure better things for us. 

How's that working out?

Let's look at the high-lights and low-lights, as well as the status of the ongoing issues.

1) EMPLOYMENT: still not job, and just one fucking interview in 2010 so far. I continue to send out resumes. I continue to hear nada. 10 months of joblessness with nary a whiff of redemption. This isn't really something I truly control. Outside of continuing to genuinely look for work, which I do, it's not up to me to hire myself. I feel like garbage over this but should I penalize myself because there are no jobs?"Yes," says my mother's voice in my head.

2) FAMILY: speaking of which, my mother was close to death in late February. Failing liver, kidneys. I was looking at her dying before we could break our 2 year silence. However, she bounced back out of nowhere. She is now in a nursing home undergoing physical therapy. I have yet to talk to her but we did send her a package this week, and I intend to call her tomorrow. So.....thumbs up.

The nuclear family has seen 3 months of severe ups and downs. The wife and I are getting on better, I think. More importantly we're making an effort and taking time to improve our relationship. That in itself is an improvement over 2009. Mark? We still have problems, and have clashed in typical fashion. He needs to pick up the pace on a few things but I have to admit that overall, he seems better. He's doing, by all accounts, very well in school. Better than he has in a long time. He has a chance to have a real redemptive year with a little more effort.

We continue to struggle financially, but not because we've been irresponsible like in the past. We have become greatly aware of the need to handle our money better, and when we've had $$ we have. That's the thing. It's been hard to get ahead for long if at all because when we've had an influx the majority of it had to cover bills. Hopefully we'll get a chance to get ahead a bit this summer. But I'd say there is real potential for a better year based on the attitude and conversations. We could have wasted a lot more money than we have, but we were able to really stop ourselves more than before.

3)ME: I am only slightly happier with myself than I was January 1. I continue to work on my issues, take my meds, try to keep my head about me and watch my temper. Incrementally better, but not where I want to be.

I still have a brain that I am unable to clear and focus as much as I'd like. I look for work everyday, and I am prepping to go back to school. But I have had a real desire to start writing again, and I simply can't find enough mental....serenity? Calmness? Focusing and staying on task remains a severe problem. And I'm thirty fucking nine! I'm trying to find a strategy. No luck so far.

Well, on to lighter, less melodramatic happenings....I had a great birthday dinner at Al Capone's Hideaway Steakhouse Whatever. My wife put it together, and it was a nice evening with her, Adam and Laura, Amber and Andy, and more people that normally will be seen in public with me.

Side note: I thanked Andy and Amber by getting horribly drunk at their house and sleeping on their bathroom floor a few weeks later. A highlight in any year, really.

I have seen exactly 5 films in 2010 (not counting 2009 holdovers). None of them will be in my top 10 at the end of the year, I suspect: THE WOLFMAN, THE CRAZIES, SHUTTER ISLAND, ALICE IN WONDERLAND and THE RUNAWAYS. The best movie I've seen in the theater in 2010 was the second viewing of AVATAR.

I have read, cover to cover, 4 books. Not impressive at all. But I persevere. Good thing because I have piles to be read.

However, we have tickets to 2 concerts in the next 2 months. The wife and I are seeing Jakob Dylan, w/ Neko Case and Kelly Hogan on April 26th, although I think of it as Neko Case, w/ Kelly Hogan and Bob Dylan's kid.

Even better, Alisa, Lily and I --along with Alisa's friend Gina-- are going to Milwaukee June 12th, where we will meet up with Amy and her boyfriend to see The New Pornographers! This has to ability to do some major polarity negativity cancelling-out reversitude or something. I've been frothing to see them for the last 3 years. I made it a priority this year. Yes, I'm unemployed. We're broke. We have problems. But some things are bigger than all of us. When I am sitting in debtor's prison, I may have to eat moldy bread and putrid water, but at least I can block out the sounds of prison rape with the thought that I saw my current favoritest band at the peak of their popularity.

With that in mind, 2010 goes from a solid D, all the way to a C-, thanks to those tickets. Sad? Pathetic? Idiotic? You be the judge.